Twisted Roads – Twisted Horror Stories by Matthew Tonks

Elastic Orange

“I’m telling you, this is the hottest thing that’s going to come out in a long time, the HOTTEST! You have to—NO, make that, you’ve GOTTA get in on the ground floor, or you’ll miss out!” he says excitedly.

“I don’t know, it looks a little strange, and I’m not really sure there’s such a strong market for this sort of stuff. I can see you seem to think there is, but the only thing it’s got going for it as far as I can see is its name.”

“BULLSHIT! I could call it a turd, and it would still make shitloads of cash,” he says as he pushes a pile of papers across the table. “Read the reviews and tell me you can’t see money in it.”

He places his hands on the papers and looks around the room before looking back at him. “I’m going to be honest with you, just because I can see you’re a good kid and all, a doer, not a talker, and I like that, I really do. But this sort of stuff, to be honest, isn’t what people I circulate with would buy, and more importantly, would be interested in putting money into. You’re barking up the wrong tree, it’s just that simple, kid,” he says as he gets to his feet.

“Please, Mister Sackmore, just have a read of the reviews. If you don’t see any way we can do business together after that, then I’ll leave you alone, I swear. Just please read at least one of the reviews before you make your decision!”

Kenneth Sackmore stands there for a few moments and shakes his head. “I like your eagerness, kid, I really do. Reminds me of myself when I was starting out. But it’s just not what I’m looking for. Why don’t you try crowdfunding? I’m sure you’d have a lot more luck there.”

“They won’t take it on any of the platforms,” he says as he sinks into his seat. “They say it’s too risky an item to display on their sites and suggested going private. Which is why I’m here, hoping you’d at least give me the chance to show you what kind of profit you’d make by getting you to help fund the build of the three thousand pre-orders we already have,” he says with a wry smile. Sackmore sits back down quickly, his face pale, his hands trembling.

“T-T-Three thousand pre-orders?”

“Three thousand and counting.”

“You’re fucking bullshitting me?”

“I swear I’m not,” he says as he pulls out his mobile phone, opens his emails, and hands it to Sackmore. “Three thousand and eighty-seven as of two minutes ago.”

“W-W-What’s the retail?”

“Two hundred and sixty for the standard model, four hundred for the deluxe.”

“And the cost to build each of the standard units?”

“Fifty-eight, maybe less, if I order in bulk.”

Sackmore picks up one of the pieces of paper and begins reading it, then looks over to him as his bottom lip quivers. “H-H-How much bullshit is in these reviews?”

“None, they’re all legit. There are even self-help videos to show the users how to use them,” he says, smiling.

“And both sexes can use the device?”

“Absolutely, it’s designed for maximum pleasure whether you’re a man, woman, or in-between. The device will always bring the user to a guaranteed, mind-blowing orgasm, every single time without fail.”

Sackmore places the paper down, runs a hand across his brow, wipes away the sweat, and then extends a hand. “Okay, Mister Wenttoroe, let’s bring your Elastic Orange to the people.”

He grabs his hand and shakes it vigorously. “Let’s drown the world in cum,” he says with a wide, broad grin.