Twisted Roads – Twisted Horror Stories by Matthew Tonks

Hippy Shake

“I’m telling you, it’s not normal,” Tony says to Jerry, his supposed best friend—though that was up until five minutes ago.

“You’re being crazy. Honestly, man, it’s nothing. You’re overreacting for sure. It’s NOT that bad.”

“You just said it was nothing a minute ago, and now you’re saying it’s not that bad. So, obviously, it’s SOMETHING! Maybe I should get it looked at?”

“By who, a doctor? I wouldn’t go to a doctor about that. They’d probably call in the government, and then they’d do all sorts of tests on you and shit. You’ll be like a pincushion for the rest of your life. Is that what you want?”

“What the fuck are you talking about? I thought you said it was nothing! Why the fuck would they want to do fucking tests on me if it’s nothing?”

“Okay, maybe it’s something…”

“W-W-What the fuck?”

“Look, it’s pretty obvious. I mean, you can hear it from across the room.”

“What? Seriously?”

“Honestly.”

“That’s why I’m fucking asking!”

“Okay, now don’t start stressing any more than you already are, but I could hear it before you even came into the room. I was sitting here eating my burger, and then I heard this music. I’m thinking, where the fuck is that music coming from? Then you came around the corner, and I was like, oh wow, is that coming from Tony? I thought, fuck man, you’ve got your iPod playing way too loud. And then you sat down, and well, here we are talking about this crazy arse soundtrack that’s following you around. Like your own… fuck man, it’s like you’ve got your own personal theme music! That’s awesome when you think about it,” Jerry says, smiling at Tony, who gives him a cold look back.

“It’s not cool, Jerry. It’s driving me insane!”

“Okay, just calm down then. When you get excited, the music picks up the pace, more of a beat, man. Honestly, man, it’s cool. It really is. Who doesn’t want that?” Tony just gives him a sterner look. “Seriously though, man, when the fuck did it start happening?”

“Two days ago, like I fucking told you when I first sat down! Were you even listening? We were sitting around, having a few cans at Darby’s, and his sister rocked up with some guy she met at some crazy party up in the hills—you know, some hippy commune, acid party. Anyway, this guy was like a soft dude, you know, he was like, ‘Hi, man, your aura is like so ultra-positive and deep. You should come up to the commune, you’d really dig it, man.’ You know, way over the top, like almost fake. After a while, and a few more cans, we all ended up getting stoned together, and somehow the hippy was like my best friend. We talked about cool shit we’d love to have, you know, stoner dreams, shit like that, and I said, I’d love my own soundtrack to follow me around every day. And he said he could make that happen. I said some more bullshit, most of it I can’t remember, and he held out his hand, told me to shake it, and he’d make my wish a reality, which brings me back here, back to my original question. Have you FUCKING seen Darby’s sister?”