What’s life if you don’t break a few dozen eggs, of course when I say eggs, I mean whatever piece of shit comes your way, when, if they had any sense, they would’ve crossed the road, or ran like fuck the other way. You see, my whole life was about busting and breaking, making those who broke deals, pay. Sometimes, they paid with their lives, other times, they just paid, it was a simple job, and I was good at it, real fucking good. But, near the end, when I wasn’t expecting it, I had a change in lifestyle, a second chance at making something worthwhile, a family, a future, one without needing to beat, torture or kill another human being. That was of course until my past came back and took it all from me, ruined everything, forced me back into the world I left behind.
So as you can imagine, I hit back, killed my past, literally, and as it ended up, myself as well, but, it would turn out, nothing stopped after all the light was ripped away.
I was taken in by a new lord and master, who offered a new job, one that was almost the same as my last, but this time, I had a deal, a contract signed in blood, one that would give me the chance to get everything I lost back. But once again I was screwed over, difference is, this time, I held a card, a way out, and I exploited it. Maybe a little too much, but, I did everything I could to make sure everyone who fucked with my life and the lives of my family suffered.
I remember reading once about how the Indians and other warrior tribes used to eat the body of their enemies and fallen comrades, so they could, in a way, absorb their power, keep their strength within the tribe. Kind of like recycling tin cans and shit, we’re told it’s possible, but we know it’s really bullshit. But anyway, don’t start judging me for this, because I know it’s just plain insane, to think that eating someone would give you their strengths and powers, it’s just mad, right? So I’ll be fucked if I can say why I did it, I just stuffed so much of that piece of shit in my mouth and swallowed it down that I didn’t allow myself time to comprehend what was really going on. Or, what I was trying to achieve, by the end of it all I felt over full, a little cramped even, but, as it turned out, not all that powerful, unless you call a violent attack of the shits a power.
Fast forward to five minutes ago, I’m standing at the gates of heaven, yup, you read right, the pearly fucking gates, and he walks out, looking all, well, mighty. I came here with the intent on killing this piece of shit, and he knew it, I could tell. I expected him to though, if he was truly all seeing, he’d know what I know, he’d be waiting, ready to zap me into nothing, if he could really do that, not that I cared if he could or not.
“So you’re the guy,” I said.
“I’m much more than that, I’m above what you refer to as gender, I am ..”
“Great, not really here for this conversation sparky, you made a deal with too cool for school over my soul, and you traded my family as part of the deal, I’m here to tell you the deals not going to happen. So, you pack your bags and leave for somewhere warmer and let my family back in.”
He laughed, “Once a deal is made it cannot be altered or withdrawn, a deal is a deal, you of all people know this, you of all people should under….”
“This one is, you push, I’ll push back, I respect what you created, what you’ve supposedly done, so I’ll give you a second chance at doing the right thing.”
He laughed again, fucking son of a bitch, he’s enjoying this, I could tell, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s all hard underneath the sheet, yeah, you heard right, cock sucker is dressed like some frat boy at a toga party, what a queen.
“The deal is done, regardless of your disagreement, and keeping Kildone alive will not prevent it from happening, I’ll kill him myself if I have to, but you will be mine, and your family will be his.”
I’ll be honest I’m embarrassed about this part, you see, I lost my shit right at that point, I told the snotty nosed religious nut that my family deserved to be happy, peaceful, not subjected to whatever shit happens wherever the fuck they are. He told me to shut up, and understand who the true master is. It was my turn to laugh, I was quick and he was surprised, I placed two bullets in his head before he reacted, the bullets did nothing of course, but I didn’t expect them to, and with a click of his fingers I exploded like an egg hitting some fools front door on Halloween. Now, I’ve got to tell you, he was surprised when I showed right back up and dug the knife carved from bone into his skull, it didn’t kill him, but I could tell it fucking hurt, especially when he found out I’d carved the knife from his brother’s bones.
It about that time, when I proceeded to tell him how I’d eaten his brother while he was still alive, and how through some crazy, misguided idea I’d gained all his strengths, all his powers, but more importantly, I’d gained an immunity from him. I told him I know all about the deals he’s been making with his brother, trading souls for warriors. Seems the way souls move around in the afterlife is nothing like we’re told, souls are more like money, and some are better at turning their money into something more than just a few dollars, old God here is a spinster, no skill, a penny is a penny regardless of how long the old fool holds onto it. So, here, you either go to heaven where you live an existence of peace or you go to hell, where you are subjected to an existence of rebirth through torture and damnation. Seems God here isn’t as all powerful as he likes to think, with his inability to convert, refashion, or reshape his souls, they remain weak, and basically, useless. Where his brother, the devil, he gets to mould souls into a shape with substance, with power, something God needs. You see, for the last few thousand years he’s been in some shit arse war with other self-proclaimed gods, who are all vying for an ample piece of the soul super highway. The battle has raged on for longer than any of them can remember and in the process old God here has lost his choir of angels. Now, only having a handful left, and they’re off fighting for the cause, in the trenches of a world between worlds. Which is half the reason I knew I could walk in like I did, the old fuck’s defenceless, and soon, will fall to one of these up and coming nut cases who think they’re a God, just like he does, or did, or, whatever. That’s when he offers me a deal, help him and he’ll free my family from purgatory where they’re currently sitting, waiting for my deal to be fulfilled. I know the lunatic’s lying through his teeth, the only way he can get them back is if my deal falls through, and the only way that can happen is if I run out of time to kill that fat fuck Kildone, and with a little under twenty years left on the clock I make a choice.
Kildone will be fine in his hole for that amount of time, so, I figure what have I got to loose, let’s make all religions my bitch, one God at a time.
THE DEFINITE END