Tag: this is me

Today is about motivation, not starting new things, but continuing things started that have yet to be finished. Today is motivation to do something for myself, do something I want, life runs quickly past us, our time spent on our own ventures is little to nothing, when we’re young, life is before us, life is something to grasp, but, life gets in the way, things happen, work takes over, suddenly you’re old, you’ve done none of the things you wanted, you’ve done little for yourself. The years that come after will rush by, and then, where will the time be, where will your dreams be?

Life is ours to live, live it for your dreams.

Day seven, one week since I started this trip into unemployment, a tip I knew would eventually take place, a trip, I am now thankful for, I have come to grips with the change, I haven’t grasped what to do with it all yet. But, it’s going to be fun to find out.

Winds blow us down roads we never chose, we let it take us, without fighting, but the fight, the chance, to dream something real, to make it with your hands, to achieve, well, that’s a dream worth attempting, but, how many of us just dream and dream, and do little to make it reality?

Monday used to mean something once upon a time, last week in fact. It was the beginning of the working week, jobs needed to be prepared for the week, boxes needed to be ticked, and rosters needed to be arranged for the various shops. All that ended for me on Tuesday afternoon, when I left my former workplace for the final time. A lot of things have traveled through my head since that moment, but none of it regret, I don’t regret any time I put into the work I did, I don’t regret any of the blood I spilt, or the sweat I dropped. I don’t regret one thing, not one, for without yesterday there is no tomorrow, and tomorrow is a brighter day for what I have become.

It’s been six days now since I joined the ranks of unemployed humans, six days is not enough time to get used to not having some ungodly job to do on someone else’s dime, but for someone who’s never really taken the time to wined down in the ten years, it’s a start.

Tine, our bitter rival, we fight against you constantly, with no hope of ever winning, we fight on, towards the horizon, in hope that one day, when we’re able, we can reap what we have built, of course by then, most of us are closer to being in the ground to enjoy it, so strive for your dreams, sacrifice your future, be who you wish to be, not who society judges you to be.

We all, for better or worse, want one thing from life, as a set standard, to be happy. Happiness can be measured in many different way, to fit whatever fantasy we have stuck instead our heads. For some it involves a shit load if money, for others it is fame, others power, and so on, and on, but, however we see it, happiness is what we’re all after. It’s the fundamental requirement as humans we desire, this is what it’s all about, this is what life is, and what mountains we need to move to succeed, without happiness, our life, is empty.

Today is unemployment day five, okay, I think I’m getting better at this, I’m planning my days and weeks ahead, I’m planning a schedule, I’m getting a flow, one that I hope will have results. But, if there is failure, it will only push me forward, push me harder down the road I want to follow, to become what I desire to be, because no one succeeds without failure.

Wickedness, you beautiful thing, time and again throughout the land, through my life, you’ve cast your hand, but only a fool would try again, and again to try and succeed, or, is it a fool who walks away after failing at the start without ever trying to earn their rewards?

Realization that the world you inhabited, the world you lived and breathed for more time than you did your own, is not only gone, but, existing without your input. It’s not like there was any false realities, it wasn’t like you didn’t know that fact was already true, you’d left the world before, it continued on, then somehow, you returned. This time, this final time, you know you’ll never go back, this time you know your existence in this world is truly over. So, coming to all these conclusions, coming to all these fundamental understandings, why are you not doing all the things you said would be done the day you had time?

Day four of unemployment, I’m a little bit lost at the moment, I want to focus my thoughts, my energy, my drive, into all the things I should be, but, I’m also aware it’s the first time in, well, a long time I have no responsibilities outside of my family. This is what I wanted right? Time to do what I need to do, time to drag all that shit together I have lying around. Time to build that wall. Time to build my legacy, instead of helping maintains someone else’s.

Time is not our friend, and if we keep saying tomorrow, if we keep saying next week, next month, next year, then, we might as well never try, because we aren’t really trying, we’re just lying, to ourselves.

The words of the day, are mental health, amazing words that many of us thrust out heads into the sand when we hear them, today, in a society plagued by the self-destructive vices of oneself, I say today, but in reality problems unseen, undiagnosed, have been a part of the human make up since the beginning. How can we overcome it, how can we seek the help we need when, at times we don’t realise the self-destructive road we are on ourselves?  For some of us, we don’t, for some of us we fail to find that outlet, that peace of mind, and, in the end, choose to remove ourselves from the equation. Leaving others to deal with the pain, other we profess to love, care for and cherish. I can’t make an argument, a diagnosis, or look down upon anyone here, I have had my ups and downs, I have sought out help, I have been broken, bitter, and lost, but for me, I found it, I saw life differently when I felt I was lost within a room of closing doors. Mental health is not a dirty word, mental health is not a weakness, mental health is not an excuse. Mental health is a killer, a destructive force that can ruin lives, that can force people to lock themselves away within they own-skin, mental health is a demon, a beast, a monster, that no one should ever feel wrong for attempting to deal with, AND NO ONE should ever face it alone Acceptance is the beginning, but the struggle, is far from over, because there is no worse enemy, no stronger fighter, no one more cunningly brutal, than oneself.

Today I feel anxious, my three-year old performed when I dropped her off at school, she wanted to come home, wanted me to stay longer, wanted me to play, ignoring her friends who constantly wanted her to be involved in what they were doing, even changing their games into ones they know she enjoys playing. You may think why did I bother, why send her to care when I’m home? Why pay someone to do a job I should be doing, now that I’m home, and unemployed? The answer is a simple one. Since I left my employment, since I arrived home, there has been no moment to myself, there has been no real moments of reflection, and, I think, after all those years of working, I deserve a day to myself, to have no responsibilities, to relax.

This is my third day of unemployment, today I face change alone, with no distractions, with no one else to focus my thoughts. Today I plan my tomorrow.

Wrapped in words, hidden in plain sight, for the world to see, here is my pain, here is my fear, now, see the real me, take a good look, for my skin may be pale, my wings may be broken, my soul may be twisted, my eyes my be empty, but, my life is worth living, for my life is my family, and my family is my life.