She runs a hand through her hair and grips a clump of it in frustration and looks across the table at him, he smiles uncomfortably at her, showing a mouthful of rotten teeth.
She clears her throat before she speaks again, “Can we start at the beginning, again?” She says.
“What do you mean by the beginning? Before or after everything went to shit?”
“Let’s start with how you found this truck you keep talking about?”
“I told you before honey cups, I just woke up and it was there, there’s not much else to tell, I’d love to have some fantastic story that would excite and intrigue you, but real life’s just not like that.”
“Just humour me and tell me what you remember from that morning, after you woke up?”
“If it’s going to float your boat honey, I’ll tell you one more time, I woke up, felt great, actually I felt the best I ever had, and I was buff, I’m talking massive fucking muscle growth over night and on top of that I looked hot, fucking still do,” he says as he flexes his arm and kisses his flabby chicken wing bicep, she feels her stomach churn with disgust. “Anyway I went and took a piss, and almost passed out from shock when I pulled the python out. I did mention the beast has grown a whole eight and a half whole inches down there as well?”
“Yes, you’ve somehow managed to mention it twelve times so far.”
“Good, it’s like a major lynch pin of the story, anyway, after I picked myself up from the floor I stroked one out, as any normal man would and grabbed a coffee and went outside for a smoke. That’s the first time I saw it, just sitting there, the engine was on and she was just purring, really sweet like. In fact, I don’t think I told you the last time, but I stroked another one out then and there, on her hood.”
“No you never mentioned that before, but it doesn’t surprise me,” she says as she squirms in her seat.
“Hey honey, when the mood hits only an empty man would resist, and by empty I don’t mean in the ball sack,” he says flashing his mouthful of rotten teeth again and clutching his balls. “Anyway I looked in the trailer and couldn’t believe what I saw, it was just simply amazing, basically a mobile hotel, I wandered around the rooms for about half an hour, but found no one anywhere on board. So I poured another cup of coffee, had another smoke, stroked one more out of the beast and decided to take the truck for a spin.”
“Didn’t you worry about the owner?”
“Honey I’d just woken up, had gone from a 60 kilo weakling to a one fifty kilo hard bodied, hung like a horse, love God, why question anything at that stage of the day?”
“Because any sane person would?”
“Honey, it like questioning why the moon shines at night even though it’s just a rock.”
“It’s the suns reflections that makes the moon glow.”
“See, I don’t care for your answer, because honestly, I don’t care.”
“Being ignorant of the answers does not make you right, and I can’t just accept this truck was just there, someone must have driven it outside your house, it couldn’t have just, just been there, don’t you see how impossible it all sounds, isn’t there part of you that realised it’s all wrong?”
“Why, because you say so?”
She grits her teeth and cleanses one of her hands into a fist and takes a deep breath, “Look, let’s just get back to your story, you’d decided to take the truck for a drive, what happened next?”
“Well, obviously I noticed shit wasn’t right, the city was fucked, like a nuke hit it, and that’s when I came across Sophie, Deborah and Lynette.”
“Who did what, they told you about the apocalypse happening?”
He laughs for a few moments before settling back in his chair, “No way honey, they told me I looked like a gift from the heavens and we all fucked a few times to Billy Idols Flesh For Fantasy, always sets the scene that song, gets the guys hard and the girls wet. Anyway after that we set out looking for other survivors.”
“You had sex, with all three?”
“Honey, you know it,” he says with a smile bobbing his head back and forth, playing what can be described as an air guitar and starts singing, “Face to face, and back to back, you see and feel, my sex attack, sing it, flesh, flesh for fantasy, we want, flesh, flesh….”
“Please, can we stay on track,” she interrupts. “Honestly, don’t you see how absurd this all sounds?”
“Damn straight I do,” he says as he leans back in his seat. “But when life throws you diamonds you don’t throw them back.”
“So for the record, where are we at the moment? In the truck?”
“No, do we look like we’re in a truck? Can you feel the motor purring under your arse, getting you all tingly in the right spots?”
She blushes and clears her throat, “So, where are we?”
“A shitty little diner called Lumps Shack, we were passing through and Trudy spotted you sitting here, staring off into space.”
“Trudy? Does she drive the truck?”
“No way, Trudy went to school with me, although back then she never wanted a thing to do with me, like the rest of the women we’ve picked up along the way, well the ones I knew before? But hey, since the apocalypse happened, they’ve all spent more time on top of me than they ever did anyone else. But she don’t drive,” he laughs. “Actually none of them do, unless you’re talking about the python, they all drive at least once every few days. It’s either me or one of the other guys who do the driving and it just so happened that today I was driving while Trudy was giving me head, she just finished wiping her mouth when she spotted you,” he says with a smile.
“Who are the other guys?”
“You know, the other guys, they look after all the shit I don’t.”
“Yes, but what are their names? You reel off your female companions names without a thought, but yet you can’t name one of these supposed other males who assist you, can’t you see how illogical that sounds?”
“Honey, none of them touch my junk so why should I know their names? And seriously sweet pea,” he says as he leans forward on to the table. “Why keep asking all these questions for anyway? All I wanted to know was, did you want a free ride on my truck?” He says, leaning back in his seat with a big, rotten grin. “What do you think this is anyway, a psych evaluation?”
“What do you think this is?”
“I normally like a girl in control honey, but you’re way out there, like fucking way, way out there. But to answer your question, what we’re having is called a conversation, nothing else, not what you’re making it out to be anyway.”
“I’m not the one who’s living in a world where the apocalypse has happened, which by the way you can’t explain, and you somehow impossibly came across an enormous truck that you drive around in, picking up gorgeous women and living the life of Hugh Hefner to Billy Idol music.”
“Honey, Hugh’s got nothing on me, but your right about the rest. You see, your problem is you don’t want to believe it, you want to stay in the world inside your head. One where everything is still all ok, and not fucked up and shit, like it really is. But it’s OK, because you’re not the first one we’ve came across and you won’t be the last, it’s just up to you how we move forward.”
“What does that mean?”
“Whether you stay here, in your little word, or you come with us?”
“I’m afraid you’re barking up the wrong tree, I know what’s real and what’s insane stories from a crazy man.”
“Honey, crazy is just an illusion, fuck, we breathe air, but if we were to truly try to understand how it works it would sound insane, right?”
“Seriously, trees make oxygen you idiot.”
“For starters, when was the last time you saw a tree? And secondly, really trees make oxygen? Doesn’t that sound crazy, I mean, do you really believe trees make oxygen? Fuck, are you really that far gone inside your head that you’re so blind to what’s happening around you? Because if so, you honey, are one damaged piece of arse.”
She gets to her feet and looks down at him, and takes off her glasses, “I think I’ve had enough of your insults.”
“Honey, I haven’t insulted you half as much as I’ve wanted too.”
“Good bye, Mister Liewus,” she says as she exits the room, waiting outside is a man in a dark suit and he looks at her with concern.
“So what’s your verdict?”
“Whatever world he’s invented inside his dim witted brain is real to him, and it’s going to take a lot of drug therapy and one on one work to help break down the walls and star…..”
“Hello??” He says as he waves his hands in front of her expressionless face, but she continues to stare off into nothingness, muttering to herself, he turns to the three woman who stand in the door way of the run down café and shrugs his shoulder in confusion.
“Let’s just leave her, she’s not coming out of whatever hole she’s put herself in,” he says as he looks back at her again and places a hand on her breast and squeezes it, but still she just sits there, continuing to mumble away to herself.
He turns to the women and smiles. “Who’s up for some Billy Idol?” He says as he chases the women into the massive trailer that awaits outside the café, as the door slams the truck’s engine roars to life and blows its horn several times before taking off, out into the desolate wasteland.
END
TWISTED ROADS – AN ANTHOLOGY OF TWISTED TALES – VOLUME 1
