Category: YouChallenge

They all sit around the table, no one really knows what to say or do, so they all just sit there as he tears into the sandwich like someone who hasn’t eaten for several days. He looks up from the food, his cloudy, lifeless eyes look over his family and he smiles a dirty, rotten smile.

“What’s everyone looking at? Haven’t you seen someone eat a frekin sandwich before?” He asks.

“I-I-I-It’s not the sandwich Wilhelm, its you, y-y-y-your dead,” Lukas says as he looks at his brother.

“Don’t seem like I’m dead, in fact I feel better than I ever have, you on the other hand, you look old, and so do the sprouts,” he says as he stuffs the sandwich into his face again.

“It’s because you’ve been dead for eight years.”

He chokes on his mouthful of sandwich and spits it back out, onto the plate. “Eight years? Bullshit?”

“Why the hell would I lie to you?”

“Because you’re a penis breath, that’s why, so where the cameras? When’s everyone going to jump out and say, got you Uncle Wilhelm!”

“It’s not going to happen, because, you’ve really been dead for eight yours, but not only that, what I don’t understand is you were cremated, how in the hell can you be here if you were cremated?”

Wilhelm stares at his brother through dead eyes, as his brain tries to turn over, as it tries to piece together what he’s been told and then he takes another large bite of the sandwich. “How the fuck should I know, I woke up in some shitty hotel and realised where I was, so I thought I’d come over for a surprise visit. Besides Alice fainting, the kids screaming and you wetting yourself, I thought it was a good visit so far,” he says as he flashes another rotten smile.

“So you don’t remember anything else about how you got here?”

“Didn’t I just say that?”

“I know, I just want to make sure we’re all on the same page.”

“Fuck the same page, if I’m supposed to be dead what the hell am I doing waking up in some fucked up hotel, hungrier than I’ve ever been before?”

“That would be my fault,” a voice says from the doorway, they all turn to see a woman, standing against the door, her hair a mixture of red, pink and green, bright purple lipstick covers her lips and a multicolour rainbow covers her eyelids.

“Gwen?” Wilhelm says.

“Who the fuck is Gwen?” Lukas asks as he gets to his feet, “What the hell have you done to my brother?” he says, she grabs him by the throat and stares at him with her black, soulless eyes.

“Paying a debt, you should be so lucky, enjoy the time with your brother, because soon the hunger will take over.” Lukas gasps for breath as she releases her grip and smiles towards Wilhelm, “We are even now.”

“Did we need to be?” Wilhelm asks as he shoves the remainder of the sandwich into his mouth.

“Pig, you weren’t going to escape me in death like you did in life, I will have the last laugh, and it will be the loudest,” she says as she disappears into the darkness of the night, he lets out a maggoty burp and rubs his stomach as it lets out a groaning noise as he feels his hunger build.

“Tell me you’ve got something else in this house I can eat? Because I could eat a baby elephant right now.”

END

The challenge was, ‘Uncle Wilhelm is back.’

“It’s just not healthy Ben, can’t you just get another hobby?” She says, but he shows little to no acknowledgement of her words, he just stares forward. “For fuck sake Ben, look at me when I’m talking to you, or so help me god I’m leaving?” But still he doesn’t move, she screams in frustration and storms over to the power point and grabs the cord.

“Pull it out and I’ll kill you,” he says, she stops and stands there, still holding onto the cord and turns to face him, he still sits there, showing no signs that he even knows she’s there, but she clearly heard him speak.

“What the hell Ben?”

“I said, fucking pull it out and I’ll kill you Sally, are you fucking deaf?” He says, not even bothering to look away from the TV, she feels her hands shake and drops the cord.

“What’s happened to you Ben? What’s happened, to us?”

“For god sake Sally, can’t we do this another time? I fucking watching my show!”

“You’re always watching this fucking thing Ben, you haven’t moved for the last two days except to take a piss or a shit and you’ve been carry the pad around with you when you do so you don’t miss any of this stupid fucking show, can’t you just turn it off for a few hours, so we can spend some time together, with just each other?”

“Typical,” he grunts.

“Sorry?”

“I fucking said, typical, I mean, it’s always like you to twist anything I actually have an interest in to be the worst thing in the world, is it because you can’t accept the fact I’m enjoying myself? Or is it just because you’re not the front and center of my attention?” He says, once again not tearing his eyes from the screen.

“You’re losing it Ben, whatever’s going on with you is just too much, if you want to talk to me, I’ll be at Becky’s,” she says as she runs out of the room and grabs her keys and bag off the kitchen table, he grabs her arms tightly and forces her to drop her keys onto the table.

“You’re not fucking going anywhere,” he says, still keeping his eyes locked in the TV. “When my show is done we’re going to sit down and talk this out, but right now, you’re….” He doesn’t get a chance to finish what he is saying as she drives the keys into his throat, he releases his grip on her and clutches at his neck, while she continues to stab him over and over again with the key, until she is finally exhausted and he is dead, she looks up and stares at the screen, the camera slowly zooms in on her face, covered in blood, and she finds she cannot pull herself away as she slowly walks over to the couch and sits down.

END

The challenge was, ‘man watches too much TV.’

“I’m telling you it’s not normal,” Tony says to Jerry, his supposed best friend, that was up until five minutes ago.

“You’re just being crazy, honestly man it’s nothing, you’re overreacting, it’s not that bad.”

“You just said it was nothing and now you’re saying it’s not they bad, so obviously it’s something, maybe I should get it looked at?”

“Who by? A doctor? I wouldn’t go to a doctor about that, they’ll probably call in the government and then they do all sorts of tests on you and shit.”

“What the fuck are you taking about, I thought you said it was nothing? Why the fuck would they want to do fucking tests on me if it’s nothing?”

“Okay, maybe it’s something…”

“What the fuck?”

“Look, it’s pretty obvious, I mean you can hear it from across the room.”

“What? Seriously?”

“Honestly?”

“That’s why I’m fucking asking?”

“I could hear it before you even came into the room, I was sitting here just eating my burger and then I heard this music, and I’m thinking, where the fuck is that music coming from and then you came around the corner and I was like, oh wow is that coming from Tony? I though, fuck man, you’ve got your iPod on way too loud and then you sat down and well here we are talking about this crazy arse soundtrack that’s following you around, like your own, fuck man, it’s like you’ve got your own personal theme music man, that’s awesome when you think about it,” Jerry says smiling at Tony, who gives him a cold look back.

“It’s not cool Jerry, it’s driving me insane!”

“Okay, just calm down then, when you get excited the music gets more pace, more of a beat, man, it is like it’s your own personal theme music, honestly man it’s cool, seriously, when the fuck did it start happening?”

“Two days ago, like I fucking told you when I first sat down, we were sitting around have a few cans at Darby’s and his sister rocked up with some guy she met at some crazy party she has been at up in the hills, you know some hippy commune acid party. And this dude was like a soft dude, you know, he was like, hi man, your aurora is like so ultra-positive and deep, you should come up to the commune, you would really dig it man, you know too over the top, like almost fake. Anyway they hung around, we all ended up stoned, the hippy was like my best friend and we started talking about cool shit we’d love to have, and I said, I’d love my own soundtrack to follow me around every day and he said I can make that happen, I said some bullshit, most of it I can’t remember and he held out his hand and told me to shake his hand and he’d make my wish a reality, and here we are, so back to my original question, have you fucking seen Darby’s sister?”

END

The challenge was, ‘what the fuck was that sound?’

I blame my sixth grade teacher Mister McCardle for it all, I mean he started it all, someone had to, and he’s the best one to blame. Every time, every fucking time I did something wrong he would say it, without fail and the whole class would laugh as though he had just told the greatest joke in the whole world, but really he was just being a bully. ‘Huston’ he would say, ‘Huston, we have a problem.’ What an absolute jerk. It followed me around for years, but, I learnt to live with it, I mean, I had no other choice but to, and it just became white noise. That’s was until our class reunion, I knew I shouldn’t have gone, but at the last minute I thought, what the fuck, and decided to come. It was good, not great, but I caught up with a lot of people I hadn’t seen in years, a lot of them for various reasons, mostly though, because life had just taken over and we had moved onto other things. I drank, a lot, I mean a lot and that’s when she walked back into my life, Victoria Salan, the one girl I lusted after for years, I still remember many a night I thought about her naked and in my bed. Hell, she was the first girl I religiously masturbated over, and here she was, looking as hot as ever, and alone. Needless to say, in the last twenty-five years my small talk had improved and I was also drunk, so I made my way to her. We talked for an hour or more, about everything and nothing, it was amazing, and then, she suggested we slip out and explore the old school, I didn’t argue. We ran through the halls like little kids and ended up in our old class room and the next thing I know we’re both half naked and I’m telling her about my perverted thoughts from school and how I used to masturbate over her all through puberty, and beyond. She took it really well and suggested the real thing was much, much better. I almost came in my pants then and there, but managed to hold it in, she dropped the rest of her clothes and I did the same and we kissed, and that’s when it happened, she reached down and grabbed my limp, that’s right limp not hard, cock and stepped back, looking shocked, as did I, I didn’t know what to say, what to do and then she said it, those five fucking words, ‘Huston, we have a problem?’ And I lost it, fucking McCardle, the old bastard, it was all his fault, so I ran straight out of the class room, back into the old gym, still naked mind you, and ran up to that old fucking jerk, he looked shocked when he saw me coming, but still he just stood there and I threw the punch, a punch twenty-five years in the making, and knocked him to the ground. I wasn’t to know he was going to hit his head on the step and crack it open, I wasn’t to know it would kill him, and that’s the whole truth officer, I swear, he started it.

END

The challenge was, ‘Huston, we have a problem.’